Dead and in Season

7:51pm: The Ambivalent
As I sit silently at this table.
I stare across the way at the face that I admire
The smile that warms me entirely
And that's all...

It's intolerable, the tension forever burns
Like a thermometer when the red erupts
How do I deal with this?
Still I wait, for this love to die
And leave this world where the heart either
Breaks or turns to lead

I've witnessed so many come and go astray
But I don't mind you as much as others do
If that's what makes you happy
But not really...

It's intolerable, the tension forever burns
Like a thermometer when the red erupts
How do I deal with this?
Still I wait, for this love to die
And leave this world where the heart either
Breaks or turns to lead

We're parallel and opposite
In so many more ways than one
I feel like I'm waiting for the bomb
When it drops and everything dies
This will probably kill us....

What we've got
Is good enough
But you never know
What the future has in store for us

It's intolerable, the tension forever burns
Like a thermometer when the red erupts
How do I deal with this?
Still I wait, for this love to die
And leave this world where the heart either
Breaks or turns to lead

2:52am: Muted Screams From Under an Avalanche
Here it comes
The sensation, the abuse, the escape
And you wonder why I live such a self-destructive lifestyle?
The drama: endless and unrelenting
I destroy my ears, lungs, and brain.

One exits, another one enters
It's a routine I've grown so numb of
But that's how life goes, right?
Right?

I'm just waiting for the release
And drift along

I'm hanging in the balance with a comatose victim
Just waiting for the Good Shepard to come.
And leave me where I stand.

2:51pm: Mapping Out the Future
Awake the unconcious, the shows about to begin.
Set them up in front of the reciever and we'll see what's going on.

Dirty deeds, scrutinize you flock of sheep
How could we have ever let this happen?
Blinded, misguided, a story misconstrued.
Ever get the feeling your being used?

So this is it? Your just giving up?
No effort to go a second round?
Whatever happend to that symbolic patroit?
Stoutheartedness or lack thereof

Rouse those wretched recoils from their reckless rest
Laying down like the putrid dogs they are

I'd like to see the children live their lives
We've seen their world and we're soon heading for it.
So am I to assume you want to see the end of days?
And that you want to do is meet the King of kings.

And just bow down...

Salient, bloodshed, horrific endeavor
Front row seats when the world is ending
Invertebrate, feeble, you cowardly craven
You got a one way ticket, but not to heaven

So this is it? Your just giving up?
No effort to go a second round?
Whatever happend to that symbolic patroit?
Stoutheartedness or lack thereof

I'll be waiting for you in purgatory
Tapping my toes and dancing with souls

9:08pm: A Never Ending Series of Flirtations, High Expectations, and Devastations
This has got to be like the fifth time
I let this stupid bullshit happen to me again
Another whore; hook, line, and sinker
I grow ill, and she's what ails me
And I fear I'll never escape from this charade

She trapped me; pull me in with a smile
A fine how do you do, the first time through
I allow myself to follow in stride, ever oh so eager
Here we go again, following an aching stride again

Cut me free, I don't care; I hope you use your eyes
Look at my past; know I don't need this again (and again)
A flirtation with disaster, an apocalypse on repeat
I hope you see a reflection of the things I hope will come

Good and bad
The error of your ways
It's all just an elaborate scheme
To gain some new ground

I hate, becoming a statistic
Or worse never even remembered
But if you change your own pace
And again open your eyes
You'll see the solutions for your errors
And your ways

I grow weary of the routine.
The conspiracy theory and the secret connections

Cut me free, I don't care; I hope you use your eyes
Look at my past; know I don't need this again (and again)
A flirtation with disaster, an apocalypse on repeat
I hope you see a reflection of the things I hope will come

Good and bad
The error of your ways
It's all just an elaborate scheme
To gain some new ground

12:20am: Convey Your Vainglorious Self Elsewhere, Preferably Somewhere Purlieu to Here
Say goodbye, say goodnight
You'll be gone when the time is right
Fictitious words, postmortem love
I'll do the pushing while you just shove

Love on the web, a love in stream
Hold one moment while it's buffering
Glued to the screen, eyes blistering
None of this can ever mean a thing

From the grave up to the door
I'll eat the flesh forever more
Carve the niche and raise a glass
My fist, wrist, elbow up in your ass

The teeth grip tight down upon skin
But never compare to the wounds within
Chemical thunder, mechanical songbird
Crash course lessons in knowing to suffer

Right. Right.
My eyes.

Love is evil, love is grand
Love is a heart placed in ones hand
Love is neglectful, love is distraught
Love is emptiness, negative thought

3:41pm: Ohio: Congestive Heartland Failure
I remember those sexy nights committing acts that never happened
And everything simply fueled by alcohol
I remember nights in a cemetery holding onto one another
And poking fun at someones frozen embryos
I remember Jeda slaying demons in the whee hours of the afternoon
Did I forget to mention we were bouncing around on booze?
I can't believe I got warped by your stupid Jedi mind tricks
But you got to admit we were tearing it up on an intoxicating rollercoaster ride

So here I am, once again
Begging not to see the end
But I'm beginning to notice
A reoccurring pattern here

The way she's always changing her mind
Has got me saying, "She moves in mysterious ways."
She's got me running around in circles, chasing fictitious things
Part of the plan was to never understand that the concept was always flawed

So here I am, once again
Begging not to see the end
But I'm beginning to notice
A reoccurring pattern here

Fool me once, fool me twice
Doing so is not so nice
Faultlines form from fibbing
A fissure of regret is now born

Judas hasn't got shit on me
Judas hasn't got shit on me
Forever stealing the kings gold
Too bad it's made of Pyrite
It feels like we're involved
In some kind of firefight

She only loves me when she's drunk

Judas hasn't got shit on me
Judas hasn't got shit on me
Forever stealing the kings gold
Too bad it's made of Pyrite
It feels like we're involved
In some kind of firefight

You're more than dead to me
You never really even existed

If there's anything I learned
It's nothing good can come from Michigan's toilet seat
And you never ever specified
What you did and did not want
Yet everyone seems to agree
That we would've been a perfect match
Cause I'm such a goddamn prick
And you're a fucking cunt

1:40am: Songs
Revitalize the Mainstream
This scene is an accident
And you're all the victims
Your chains and thousand hanging straps
Constricting and confining
Bury your ipseity
In a tiny wooden box
Trend-setting fascism fashion
In a stack of catalogs by the bed

This has become a corporate feeding tube
Hostile takeover
The has become the end of innocence
Good morning sunshine

Independence blends in so perfectly
It's a game of who's who
Forgettable name, forgettable something or other
Fourteen down and only one to go

This has become a corporate feeding tube
Hostile takeover
The has become the end of innocence
Good morning sunshine

You have such pretty hair
All three colors of it
I love how it matches
Your confused diluted self

This scene is an accident
It's like a sinking ship
Watch them go down
Kicking and swinging
With patches and bandannas to match
Right off the bridge is the trendy way to jump

This has become a corporate feeding tube
Hostile takeover
The has become the end of innocence
Good morning sunshine

I'll burn you right
Leave it all behind
I'm dressed to kill
And you're on the top of my hit-list


Take Credit and Take the Blame
I've experienced it all before
Another massive heartache
I'm so used to it now; you have no fucking clue
None of you ever stopped to think
What kind of reactions would come of this?
So was it really in fun and games?
Look at what you've done
Just look at all this disarray.

You'd like to take credit
But you have to settle with blame
Just remember that what's to surface
You had a hand in creating.

Waiting for your last exhale.

Dish it out and take it back
Your photo is next to Karma.


Just a Victim of Circumstance
Solace
What a great addiction
So unintentional
Yet so perverted
Did you think I'd make it this far?
None of this was top priority
Give up, fade out
And tune in to the great deception

Run for your life
And run for the beating drum
Hearts ablaze with third degree burns

Give up now!
All hope is lost.
You intentions were good
But nothing worked out in the end
Another phone call
Another hang up
Another name crossed off the list

Somebody say
The words that I desperately need
Hearts are glazed with encrusted tears

Someone save me
Someone cure me
Left me up and put in the ivy
This curse is back
A heart detached
Pumping blood, thick and black


Until My Patience Wears Thin
Eighty-six minutes and I'll just come back
With the crumpled note in my hand
Have I been heedless to your ever growing hate?
So these are those final hours.
How much time is left?

So you decided to just let it all go?

The lacerations on your arms
The humility within your eyes
The twisted nerves inside your head
What makes you think this is righteousness?
At its finest?

Write down thoughts
Inked out full release
Anger and frustration
Her heartache, my nourishment
She makes me grow weary


Dance with the Nymph
You must think I'm lame
I'll only bring you down real low

I fucking play the cards of sympathy
Hoping to maybe get you closer to me
I took the time to get all and everything
But you throw me out like fucking debris
Well it took two minutes before I dropped dead
The anguishing echoes of all that you said
Why didn't I avoid where others have tread?
A little drivel mind fuck was left in my head

But that's how it goes
Another day in the life of me, a faux pas
Another day in the life of a lost cause
Another reason to stop and smell the roses
I've lost my soul again

Like an Ike and Tina fucking verbal charade
Return to catastrophe without the persuade
This love hate consistently fluctuates
Then you fuck the night away
Well it seems as though I'm second to none
You take my heart on a track for a torturous run
He gets a piece while I get the gun
Caps for fucked royally is certainly fun

She wanted less when I wanted more
Now it seems as though I raped the attention whore
I had my way she didn't beg or plea
Now she wants nothing to do with me

But I love her, I really do.
Be my wild cherry Kool-aid
Be my one and only

Apathy kills but empathy is torture
So this is what you do when you're overcome with boredom?

But that's how it goes
Another day in the life of me, a faux pas
Another day in the life of a lost cause
Another reason to canter through the tulips
I've lost my soul again

Watch this dying orchid


Things Can and Will Get Worse From Here
To stew in your juices
What a magnificent idea
When Rome is burning
I'll just laugh again
Cauterize those wounds
Well you were never perfect
What did it take to get you
Off the hill and against the wall

Brass knuckles bitch
I'm about to fuck some shit up
Get in the pit and show them how it's done

Dead weight and a can of hair-spray
I'm out in left field catching your fly balls
Right on the nose right on time
Here comes the train nowhere to hide

With the Xs marked
They're ready for battle
Here comes death sweeping though the valley

Cut throat
What a massacre
Evil impending doom
Watch the terror
Watch it go down
Fucking shit up
In the pit with some chains bitch

My how things have gotten rough
But you seem to be doing just fine

Order your drinks and spill some chaos
My head is spinning on the top of my neck
It's bigotry in motion did you see the climax?
I'm sure in the morning it'll all be neutralized

Turn your gun upon yourself
I should've seen this coming from afar
Exit stage left with a box of matches
The room is on fire just let it all burn


She Never Taught Me to Swim
Stenosis of my esophagus
I feel the air growing thin
This restriction of living
As I use up another final breath
Cold and useless

Watch me go under
As my entity floats up
Watch me lose myself
As the visual colors diminish

As the nails press forward
Digging deeper into timber
A body teeming with being
Slowly aspirates into nihility
Asphyxiation...

Smothering, un-nurturing
The soil forcefully becomes my tomb
In this new tenebrous existence, existence

This has become a new annexing
An accumulating anxiety
This dead-weight sinks to the bottom
Feel the remorse overwhelm
Like your taking on water

Solecism at its finest...

I have come to the end of another line
Observe as I tread where others fear
Verity reaches you with uncertainty
As I leave you with an astonishing grin


To Each His Own
Technical mathematical
Abrasive measurement
Movement cognizant
Consciousness paralysis
Emphasis on an endless
Stream of operoseness

Coming falling under
Watching the cataclysm unfold

And you know, once I followed you here
That turning back would never be an option
Empire to ashes, rust and dust
Lashing out with tempered tongues
Would be futile at best

Organize reaction
This tedious act of confusion
Nothing but a mere delusion
Confining to fictitious boundaries
Tearing at this insipid foundation
Fabricated sense of insurgence
Wrap your feeble minds around this
Simple but sufficient status of axiom

Awaken from your sleep paralysis


From Here to Sideways Eight
The numbers drop to zero
All four figures
Time is up, this is over
No longer will I be patient with you
Never again.

Close your eyes, and whisper goodbye
The trauma over losing a loved one
I'm waiting here for the beginning of eternity
And I hope to never see you in the afterlife

This is what it's like to be among the best
This is what's in motion now looks like at rest
This is what it's worth, this is what is left.
This is what it looks like ripped right from my chest.


Ten Thousand Falling Knives
I phoned you up to say hello
You had a certain avid tone to your voice
I thought you'd like to chill sometime
Just hang out and get a good vibe
You said sure and I assumed I had good fortune

The fantasy fades and it all kicks in
When I heard you were somewhere else kissing him
I felt betrayed even though there was nothing there
Nothing ever fully between us

The invasion of fabrication
Unveiling itself yet again
Terminological inexactitude
There's nowhere to duck and hide
Running from ten thousand falling knives
That are all being dropped by you

This feels like a form of abuse
Attacking me with a comprehension obtuse
Another fucking misconception
Feeling like some fanatical annihilation

But you're not the first
And you're probably not the last
Others have done this in the past
Stepped on me and left me down
Tearing through sinew towards the heart
Deaden the soul which is torn apart


The Rape Was Consensual
See how it's crushing
And causing this bleeding
And falling when teething
But never really questioning anybody's faith
Watch where you sleep
With the resistance you breathe
In this, a casualty you remarkably faked
Sit as it's rushing
The blood comes out gushing
As you pray for a better tomorrow
The life starts to leave
When you're left in an inebriated
State of massive confusion and sorrow

I'll write your name down
In a book filled with misery
Hoping to see a brighter future
Than another bitter fuck

I'd rather die than coexist
Forever coinciding with these lies
Another whore, another sunset
Forever residing with your pretentious love affair


Gunpoint
Run; will we be falling far?
Ego massive handshake forged away the seas
Ways of meaning crumble towards ann endless future
Having circumstances falter down to abyss
Eating eggshells with a glass of fine wine
You should've seen the look on their faces
When I pulled out my internal organs
Here I go again. Withered with newborn intentions
There is no lies. As the sun creeps away in this moment
Statements mean shit in this catastrophic experience.
Here is where the smoke clears.
And the cigarettes are revealed.
But I eat cancer by the spoonful.
March to the sound of random ruckus.
Bellowing upward towards the heavens.
I stabbed a guy in the heart.


Metaluna
And so it was that just because
Another dream was fading
The sun went down below the ground
My memories; escaping
I try to grasp the time that lapsed
Still yet I'm grabbing at straws
Clenching tight to what feels so right
Anticipating a new dawn

And if I give up all that I have
It will be for the last time

And to this day I still feel betrayed
by the sands of the hourglass
Up comes the moon from it's somber tomb
Ignoring the time that's long past

And if I give up all that I have
It will be for the last time
The interval start to enfold
And recollection begins to fade away

And from this life a kiss goodnight
Another day a another dollar
Ascendants go; they turn to ghosts
Leaving trails of where they've faltered

Time never heals the sick and wounded


Salvaging Remains
There is no love. Only pain.
There is no life. Only death.
There is no heart. Only a sharp knife.
There is no reason. No reason at all.
But it's oh so necessary.

And from these filthy hands
Comes an awaken killer
Reaching out for your throat
To teach you a valuable lesson

Betrayal lurks behind my back.
Destroy everything I've worked to gain.
Deception, Double-cross, Double-dealing
Dishonesty, Treachery, and above all treason.

Greetings, I am your maker. Pleased to meet you.

2:27am: It's Time to End This
I've dragged this charade on long enough. I think I've gotten my fill of venting my anger and frustration and I feel almost nothing now. There's nothing for me to say. You know where to find me. You know where to reach me. You know.

2:10pm: Let This Soak in For a Moment
The biggest mistake you've ever made was letting me slip right through your fingers.

1:32pm: Absence Makes the Hate Grow Fouler
The chilled winter air is sweltering compared to the bitter, frozen vibes you bestowed upon me.

2:51am: Infinite Sadness
God, I feel so empty. I'm so alone.

2:39am: Tongueless
I've reached a cursory point in my life. I'm very distrusting of a lot of people, mainly those of the opposite sex. Several times I've dealt with the same thing over and over and it's become very discouraging. The same of bullshit, the same old lies. The same, time and time again. You're the reason there's suicide. I can't contain myself. I'm a nervous wreck. Slash open old wounds. Burn into the dermis. Etched into the skin. Carved into the coating. And reveal the pain within. What you see on the surface is what lies below. A broken soul with aphonic screams. There's nothing to be known.

2:47am: A Bucket Full of Water
Drown me as if I were your comatose victim.

2:47am: Dearest Black Widow
You're like a fucking disease.

12:04am: Obscured From Light, Regressing Momentum Within the Blink of an Eye
I was once a young apathetic boy, going on with life day by day, not really attempting to better myself, but always wishing things would be handed to me. Always waiting for that moment when things go right. One day, I thought that the time had come. I assumed that maybe, just maybe the cycles began a new course and that I had found love. This love of course, unbeknownst to me, was from a black widow in disguise. I fell victim to her trap. I was sucked into a fictional word of peace, love, and understanding. I surely believed that this moment was in fact one of the best things of my life. But like all dreams, it had to end. Sometimes you wake up, but sometimes they turn into nightmares. I was unfortunate to have this turn into a nightmare. My affection was taken for granted, then rejected. Why? From what I could tell, there was no reason for it. The heartache, the suffering, the anguish I went through, I didn't see it coming. I was a toy, a pawn, a mere plaything. It was all a game to her. Shortly after, I began to hear my friends, the ones I so desperately tried to ignore when they were pointing out facts to me. But their warnings had turned to "I told you so"s. I learned about her history, and how she was a leech, sucking the life out of others. Even leaving a few in a state of chronic mental affliction. I fell into the trap of the black widow. Her rose pedals turned black just like her affection. I don't know if she's unaware of what she does or if she gains some kind of pleasure from it, but I'm fed up with it. She's got problems. Low self-esteem, and suicidal tendencies. Yet, she only truly tries to find comfort in a false, manipulative, womanizing deceiver. I've heard stories of him and his past. My suspicions were accurate. I hope that someday she'll realize that he is what he really is. A user and an abuser. But by the time this happens it'll probably be too late. As for me, I can't help but feel as though the cycle that I thought was giving me a new path to lead, was only coming around full circle to an old one with different characters. I've gone through it all before. I hurt, I heal, I move on, I live, but I'll never be the same. There's a piece of my heart gone. The wound has healed, but the piece will never fit back into it's place again. Like time eroding jagged rocks. Permanently scarred; hope you received some kind joy from this, you bitch.

3:22pm: Simply Put
I miss you.

12:50am: Maybe You're Just Too Bitter...

3:15am: Life Simplified
I'm human.
I hurt.
I heal.
But I'll never be the same.

Killing myself slowly.

10:31pm: Letting Go (For Good)
So when was the last time that you even thought of me?
When was your last decent memory?
When you're pushing me
And I'm pulling back
And you want nothing
When I want it all
And there is termoil
And I can not seem to let it go
Let it go, letting go.
So when was the turning point and you did a 180°?
At what piont did you decide to turn your back on me?
When you're pushing me
And I'm pulling back
And you want nothing
When I want it all
And there is termoil
And I can not seem to let it go
Let it go, letting go.
So when did I become the nightmare within your dreams?
Yes when did I go and fuck up everything?
When you're pushing me
And I'm pulling back
And you want nothing
When I want it all
And there is termoil
And I can not seem to let it go
Let it go, letting go.
These are my final words
Let me say what I got to say
And when it's over I'll be gone.
I'll be done.
I'll move on.
And bid a fond...
...Farewell.
It goes over and over and over and over...

1:44am: A Blister Forming
I wait for a better future
So long to integrity
Taking your millionth baby step
Toward fortune and infinity

So lets go and break a few laws
The only reason is "just because"
The temptation takes control
And then you're on a roll

I'm just fingers deep into no man's land

I peel the old skin off and I throw it in your face
I doubt you'll understand nor do I think you'll even care

She has such a pretty face
And I'm afraid it's better than yours
She sees the purist in me
All that and a little bit more

I now see this was fabricated
Full of lies and underrated
I had to accept the flaws
And try and find new love

I burn myself on her radiant sunshine

I don't care how long it takes I'll wait for her return
She seems so far away but I feel third degree burns

1:35pm: Stiff
If it likes to heal
Then it may congeal

11:19pm: Pursuit
I watch, I lurk, I creep, I stalk
I hide in the darkest of shadows
Inflicting pain upon myself
While watching through windows
I covet thee
It's so creepy
I'll follow until the end of time
I covet thee
It's tormenting
I'll phone you until I get mine
I know, I wish, I wait, I want
I fantasize and have wet dreams
I am prepared for the day
When you notify the police
I covet thee
It's so creepy
I'll follow until the end of time
I covet thee
It's tormenting
I'll phone you until I get mine
I have my knife ready
My duct tape and rope in bag
I know my way around the deepest of woods
I follow you until the very end
Watching...

12:39am: Paroxysm Poetry (You Fucking Fool)
Lies. Shoot to kill. Every action has a reaction. And every reaction feels my fist. In the aftermath of the afterbirth, we have bar-codes tattooed to our foreheads. We're all born with an expiration date waiting for the moment to spoil. As we age we sever strand by strand, thread by thread, vein by vein, peeling off the calluses as we walk on by. The folks sign to bad karaoke music. I wish to be cremated and have my friends and foes smoke my ashes. You're all a bunch of fucking fools. Three cheers for cheep booze and pain killers. The record spins, the needle skips, the sound remains the same, and it keeps me that way. The headphones lay on the floor.
Codeine. Scream. Release. Flow.

I follow the sunset to the edge of the ocean. I watch it suffocate in the salty waters. Waiting for the rebirth. Plastic explosives remodel you. Cradling all the tattered dreams. Forfeit the functions that make me fail you. In the cold, empty morning, I watch the sun rise like an adolescent.

You're the one who makes me smile. I haven't smiled in ages.

10:48pm: Reflections in the Sand (I Dare You)
There's a cloud of burden hanging over my head with each overwhelming throught that I have. One moment I'll be fine and then next I will either be seriously depressed or full of rage. Both being accompanied by mass confusion.

Lately I've laid low, I have become a year older, and confined myself within the walls of my bedroom working feverishly to craft sub par electronic music. Disappointingly working with fluoxetine laden samples and not really being able to express myself fully like I'd wish. I have seven pieces written right now, only a handful short of my goal of somewhere between eleven and thirteen. The first few works have been excellent, but as time progresses along with the number of original samples diminishing, I worry that I may not reach my goal. I will have to wait and see.

But my experiment in music only distracts my mind from other things for a short time. I'll grow hungry again. There's still mass confusion but I'm now doing a high wire act balanced between sadness and anger. I just don't get it. Where was the turning point? When did I go from good friend to obsessive creep? Nothing really changed in my routine. So I don't understand how her opinion on my changed. Unless maybe something persuaded her. Someone persuaded her. Lies and slander. Unless it was this infernal journal. Expressing myself within a mixture of fiction and fact. Sometimes it is hard to keep things straight. I need to occupy my mind a bit more. There's another in mind, but she's just out of reach. Four years out of reach.
That, and tomorrow I will be fully occupied.
From dawn 'till dusk.

Occupied

1:20am: Apologies to the One I've Hurt the Most
I drove for two hours and smoked half a pack of cigarettes figuring things out. At 1am it's much easier for me to clear my head. I tend to get lost in thought and end up driving myself around in Royal Oak or Highland Park or somewhere else.


I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the discomfort I have caused.
I'm sorry for all those sleepless nights you've had.
I'm sorry for being a creep.
I'm sorry for not respecting your personal space.
I'm sorry for everything I have done.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry...


I am a horrible person. If you never want to speak to me again I understand. After all, who am I but an obsessive creep. A creep that calls you every other day. Everyone has told me to stop. They told me that I'd creep you out and I didn't believe them. I refused to believe them. I was living in a clouded fantasy world. Never once did I look at the real world and realize that nothing could ever happen. I'm sorry for you, that I led myself on this way and caused you so much stress. I'm sorry. Who am I to waltz into your life and expect so much? I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I wish I could turn back time to 3 months ago when everything was fine. A time when you used to call me. But I doubt that will ever happen again. I'm sorry.

I am a creep.